I'm a Murderer

When I was 17, my sexual sins caught up with me. As I wrote yesterday, I had been sexually active, by choice, since the age of 14. At 17, I found myself pregnant. I was terrified to tell my mom. (Once again, let me say that this is not going to be about bashing my parents) I waited at the front door for her to come home from work. I had plenty of time to take it to the Lord, but that was a completely foreign thought. (All this, by the way, coming from a girl that claimed salvation from the age of 13. WOW!) My first and only thought was that I was going to have to face my mother. I had time to resolve to tell her the truth; I chose not to. Maybe if I had told the truth, she could have then gotten me the help that I really needed, but she had no idea of anything going on in my private life...even from the young age when something sexual happened to me, not by choice. And I chose to keep everything possible from her about my "activities". So when she came in, I met her at the door with "Mom, I'm pregnant". Her world came crashing in and I witnessed it all, at that moment, in her eyes. (wow, I didn't think the tears would start flowing from MY eyes this early in my post. This is not going to be easy for me to get through, for a number of reasons) Of course she wanted to get my dad involved, which I really didn't want but really didn't have any say-so. Nothing against my dad; I was just more comfortable with mom. When mom asked me what happened, I lied and told her, with dad listening, that I had been drinking (somehow in my mind, that was the lesser offense than pleasure sex). I said that I really didn't remember too much. My mother proceeded to ask me questions, full of concern for her innocent little girl, about the details of how I might have known that I might have had sex that night. I played the dumb, innocent girl act to perfection. In fact, let me add that I played it so well that when my mother died in Dec. 2000, she still didn't know the truth. Anyway, my mother made the prompt decision that I would have an abortion. There really was no discussion at all. The only discussion was how to keep it from my brothers and from any family, friends, and from my school. (I attended Immaculate Conception) My mother had to come check me out of school one day due to morning sickness, and she had to lie about it being just a tummy ache, even though the nuns questioned her and made her aware that girls sometimes got "in trouble". My mother assured them that it wasn't the case with me. I allowed her to lie and cover for me. She set up the appointment for my abortion. We never really ever discussed the possibility of my having the baby. She made the only statement that would ever be made about it, and it was that I would NOT be having this baby. And the truth is, I couldn't care less. All I cared about was maintaining my facade of sweet and innocent! What a lie! Such wickedness in my heart. There was a LIFE growing inside me and I didn't even care. All I cared about, as my mother did, is that nobody found out, including my two brothers. It was considered a "stigma". It was just a big "problem", and it had to go away as quick as possible, period. During the days waiting for the abortion, I never once had a thought for the baby that I was about to murder, MY baby, my innocent, precious baby. I didn't care at all that it's little body was going to be sucked out of my belly, and it's life ended so painfully, tragically, horribly. I didn't care. Let me say that again, as the tears are streaming down my face right now, I DIDN'T CARE! Can you even imagine how that rips my guts out now? My baby! My gift from God. All children are a blessing from God! It doesn't matter if it was "in sin" that they were conceived. We are all full of sin all the days of our lives! We are born into sin, and we sin until the day we die. Some of us, by God's mercy and grace, are forgiven and our sins are washed away by the precious blood of Jesus Christ. If we will only turn to Him and ask Jesus to save us, He is faithful and He will do it. But we never stop sinning as long as we are breathing! We confess our sins, and long for the day when we will be free from sin, but sin is still a part of our lives. We stand justified and declared righteous before a holy God because He sees us through His Son's perfect righteousness. Amen? But we still sin. So why would anyone want to consider an innocent baby something to be done away with, and not considered a blessing from God? This was my baby and I didn't even care or wonder if it was a boy or girl. This was Joshua's big brother or sister! This was my parents' first grandchild. This was not a glob of tissue. It was a life from the moment of conception!! Did you get that? Let me say it again: Life begins at the very moment of conception! And I murdered that life, that baby, my baby.
If you wonder about the father, my boyfriend was 21 and as I said, I was 17. He was an adult. He didn't even really want to know the details, and I didn't care to share them with him. Nobody, not one single person in this whole world who knew that I was pregnant, cared about protecting that baby growing inside me. Nobody fought for the rights of my precious son or daughter. Nobody grieved for how violent a death this baby was about to have to suffer. If there were any tears shed, it was only for pity...whether it be my self-pity, or pity for what my family was going through in having to "deal" with this "unfortunate situation". NOBODY, including myself, cried out for this baby. The quicker the "problem" could be dealt with the better.
After the abortion, I was instructed not to have sex for a few days. The day after I killed my baby, my boyfriend came over to the house to pick me up. My mom wasn't too happy about this and gave him an ugly glare, but we still left the house, went to his college dorm, and had sex again. Enough said?
It was never discussed again, with one exception. When I was in my late thirties, we were all over at my parents' house and my brother Mack said something about abortion. There were several of us standing around in the kitchen. When he starting talking on the subject, I just quietly slipped out of the room. A few days later my mom said that she noticed it and said that she was sorry for not giving me any choice or say-so in the matter all those years ago. I told her, basically, "no worries, Mom". It was a short 5 second conversation, never to be brought up again; the first and only one we would ever have since the day that I murdered my baby. My dad and I, to this day, have never had a conversation about it. We didn't talk about it then, and we haven't spoken of it since. And I live, not only with the fact that I killed my baby, but the fact that I had years of opportunity to let my mother off the hook, at least in telling her that I was no innocent girl. And I could have told her that I really didn't care less, but I chose in my wickedness and selfishness to say nothing. In fact, I didn't deal with any of it in my heart until after salvation! And believe it or not, this isn't the end of the story about murder. It's just all I can handle for today. God, you are good always!! Abba.....oh Abba, You are so faithful! You are so faithful to me, my Husband, my King! Holy Spirit, you are my Comfort and You never fail me! Praise God for forgiveness, sweet forgiveness!