Use me, Lord

I know I must sound like a broken record to my Master. "Use me, Lord. Use me, Master. Use me, oh my Captain, whatever it takes, whatever You have to do to me, only use me for Your glory". But I think that is one broken record that the Lord delights to hear from His own. Then the question comes..once He answers that prayer and really starts to use me, in His way, His will, whatever He decides, did I really mean it? The past 5 1/2 years or so, weeping before my Lord, asking Him if I will EVER be of any use to Him, and knowing that if I died at this point, well, I couldn't shake the feeling that I may not hear "Well done, thou good and faithful servant". Was it because I wasn't being used much during those years, or was it that I was in "soak", as Oswald Chambers puts it, before the Lord, Him using that time to grow me and prepare me? And you know what conclusion I've come to? It is not that He didn't use me during those years. I think my feelings were coming from a sense that the things He DID call me to, small as they were, yet still they were marching orders from my King, I knew I wasn't being faithful in the little things because I thought being used by the Lord looked more important! And so almost every single little thing that He gave me to do, I dismissed it, because of a prideful, wicked heart, as just being my simple conscience of silly little things that didn't amount to a hill of beans, and thus being so very disobedient to Jehovah God. I will say that I have always, as long as I can remember, been terrified of people. That is not an understatement, truly terrified!! If I could live on an island all by myself, and my son could come visit me, I would have considered that the biggest blessing in the world. (of course my gracious God has changed my heart on even that) But with my fear of people aside, I didn't trust my Lord to be my Strength and Overcomer. I didn't trust Him enough to take care of me when He put people in my path. So, I CHOSE to disobey Him for the longest time when it came to the jobs He gave me to do. But our God is SO VERY gracious! How thankful I am that He didn't cast me aside and leave me alone. He continued to use that time of "soak" to grow me, strengthen me in HIS strength, change me, mold me, and make me into a warrior for His kingdom, honor and glory, to the glory of God our Father. And He is far, far from finished! It is GRACE! I love that word....grace. Everything He is molding me to be is only possible because of WHO He is...His mighty attributes. It is nothing of me. And so He has been blessing me with giving me more of His kingdom work to do. And I still fail Him so miserably at times. And I have to stick so very close to my Shepherd. I don't like taking one single tiny step that's not in step with Him. It's so dangerous when I try to step in the places where His feet have not been in leading me on the path He has set before me. He will always lead, and give the instruction: "follow Me". He never tells me to go on ahead of Him and just do the best job I can at cutting out my own path. And so I keep my eyes on my Lord, not looking or turning from Him to the right or to the left. And I get giddy, truly, when He gives me more to do. And it never ceases to amaze me that when He puts an actual person in my path to minister to, that He gives me His courage to approach and to do His will...His words, for His glory! Thank You, Jesus, my Love, my All.
We were handed out something in church a few weeks ago. It says that the author is unknown but believed to be a young pastor in Zimbabwe who was martyred for his faith. I have put this on my refrigerator and have been reading it before I start my day. It's so powerful, and it is exactly what I want my life to be for my Master and King. It reads:
I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit's power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made-I'm a disciple of His.
I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.
I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.
I now live by faith, lean in His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and I labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifices, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me...my banner will be clear." Amen, my Captain, my God.