Laid low by God

I got up from the floor two hours ago thinking I had God's heart on what I would write today. I instantly thought of a verse I wanted to use, but couldn't remember exactly where it was in the bible. I knew Paul had said it. I thought I could easily find it...and then...God laid me low. God broke my heart today. It's exactly what I always pray for Him to do...crush me, bend me, break me, mold me...whatever it takes, Adoni. And He is faithful to always answer that pray when and where needed. I never see it coming. Ok, sometimes I know a direction where He seems to be leading me in my growth. But I am often blindsided when He has to break my heart so completely. And if I am blindsided, there is nobody to blame but myself. God is so tender and gentle with His children when it's not necessary to hurt us. He will never do something to us that is not 100% holy, pure, righteous, just, perfect, for His glory and our good. He knows just what He has to do to us to make us more and more like His precious Son. And today, He had to pull the spiritual rug out from under me. Let me give you some background: When I was saved in 2003, my job allowed me a tremendous amount of my day in reading His word and listening to sermons on the radio. You see, back then, when you were a "driver", you sat in your truck and were ready to work when the work became available. I delivered aircraft parts from our dock over to the hub, to the aircraft mechanic. (FedEx) So, I was doing my job to be at the dock, in my truck, waiting my turn to deliver. What a blessing because God gave me that time, when waiting, to be in His word. We could sometimes go for 3 or 4 hours without a part coming to the dock. And even if I did deliver a part, when I got back I could wait another hour or 2 for my turn to come back around. So, I spent that time faithfully reading His word. And even when I had to drive over to the hub, I would listen to Bott radio and hear all the sermons from all the wonderful preachers that I love so much like John MacArthur. I am a walking sermon!! I've probably heard 500 sermons in the last 6 1/2 years. Work wasn't the only time I read my bible, but it was a huge chunk of it. Then things at work changed and I started working inside the warehouse more and have very little time to read and cannot pick up the radio stations inside the warehouse. I can't even pick up K-Love. My time in the word is limited, for the most part, to whatever time I devote to it at home. And I have thought that I've been pretty faithful in that area. Since April 2003, I have read through my different bibles, different translations (each one is a study bible) several times. And I have a commentary book that I use alongside my bibles. And I have my daily devotional books that I also read faithfully. So Ms. Extremely Blessed and Highly Favored Spiritually had to get knocked off her high horse today. I have spent the last several months preaching to my son about how it is CRITICAL, in so many ways for so many reasons, for him to be in his bible, DAILY, FAITHFULLY, because God is showing him so many ways in which He wants to use him, and expects Joshua to be faithful in, at the very least, reading his bible. I can and probably will, at some point, spend an entire day on why it is so important to read your bible daily. We love to talk about gifts from God! TIME...time is a gift from God! How do we spend our time that He so graciously gives us? Anyway, I pretty much dismissed the thought that God wanted to grow ME further in how to study and apply His word. I thought I was on the right track. Yes, I've bought MacArthur's Scripture memory cards, but so what that I just haven't been very faithful in sticking with it? What's your point?! I read my bible! God, look at how wonderful I do in other areas! If someone speaks something that is not the truth, I know it instantly because I know my bible and pray to be filled with wisdom and discernment always. Just last night, I was talking to my son, AGAIN, on reading his bible and when he does, he needs to keep a pad and pen handy. Every verse that he comes across that he feels will be important in ministering to the people God has put in his path, write it down. And write down those passages that are so loved. Write down who said it, keep separate sheets with the person's name on top, like Paul or John. Do a quick-reference sheet. Do sheets on different topics. GREAT advise, Dana, Mom. But Dana, have YOU followed that advise in ALL THESE YEARS! What about the fact that you can say to someone "The bible says" but you can't, in most cases say "Galatians 5:9 says, or Deut.18:13 says". Beloved, that is CRITICAL! Reading your bible daily is critical but being able to direct someone who is seeking something from God, to the exact passage, is more than critical in preaching, teaching and sharing the gospel. It helps for them to be able to see it, to read it for themselves. There's nothing like seeing God's spoken word, spoken directly to someone, when one reads a passage for themselves. What good does it do a doubter for me to say.."Well, the bible says it...somewhere." How unfaithful, so extremely unfaithful I have been not to commit His word to memory!! Oh God, OH GOD, forgive me...forgive me, Lord! I have been so callous, so hard hearted, so prideful that I have read through your word so many times. But I haven't spent the time to write it, by memory, on the tablet of my heart and mind, completely. God, I give you ALL my time....all of it! I don't have to watch the news every evening. I don't have to take that second hot bath of the day just because it feels so good. Since I cry many tears, proclaiming how much I want to be used by You, then take all my time, build me up in Your truths, bless me in the ability to put Your Holy Scripture to memory. And if I forget this day and this prayer, lay me low again! WHATEVER it takes, Adoni. Make me nothing, but grow me in the grace and knowledge of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Thank You, Abba. I kiss The hand that wounds me.