A Father's Love

It's hard to believe but there are actually Christians who feel like there is nothing for them in the Old Testament. If it wasn't for the OT, I would not have the tremendous blessing of understanding the aspect of God as my Father, and all the joy that goes along with that knowledge. The first experience I remember after being saved 6 1/2 years ago is praying to God about my true feelings. I wanted so much to share with Him and to come clean about my heart. I understood that He knew anyway but I remember how important it was for me to confess it out loud. I felt like if I said it out loud, I wouldn't be able to turn back. I knew He had saved me and I knew I was going to heaven, but I longed for more than just a mediocre relationship with Him. My heart was yearning for something and I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew where I needed to start. And I know now that even those longings inside me came from Him. Isn't that such wonderful love on the part of my Father? He knew before the foundations of the earth what my specific needs would be and He knew just how to fill them. And it all began with an honest confession to my God. This conversation took place not long after my conversion. The first thing God showed me after I was saved was the fact that I hadn't been saved at the age of 13, like I had thought for 29 years. He didn't want me mislead about when salvation had occurred because He has plans to use me in that aspect of His ministry. There are millions of people in America who think they are saved because they said some prayer a thousand years ago but never had any change in their life, never had the Holy Spirit come to live on the inside of them. All they had was an emotional moment and someone assured them that they were saved and that they never had to worry about it again. So they go on living their wicked lives without another thought of God, thinking that they have their fire insurance. And because God wants to use me to plead with people to examine their claim of salvation, He let me know quickly that my salvation was not at the age of 13, but at the age of 42. The next thing was to give me a longing for beginning to grasp His love for me as my heavenly Father. When I was saved, I was very ashamed and sorry for all of my sins. I wanted forgiveness and He so mercifully gave it to me. When it came to talking to God about my feelings, I remember being extremely sad and felt a little hopeless. I was so ashamed to admit to this holy God the thing that I was about to confess. I felt like it was all because I was such a bad person and the whole thing was my fault. So with much shame and sadness, I made my confession. "God, I don't love you. I want to, God, but I just don't, and I don't have a clue how to start. I don't understand what it means that You, as a Father, could love ME. What does that kind of love from a father look like? How am I supposed to understand how to love you as my Father? I've never really been close to my dad. He's a great dad but for some reason, and whatever reason it was all my fault, we just never really developed a closeness. I know it is my fault because I have never been very lovable. I know that I caused more heartache than pleasure to my parents, God, and so it is a miracle that they ever even cared about me. I was such a bad child that I never even wondered why I didn't really have a close bond to my dad. And now God, I really have no clue what mine and Your love, and our relationship is supposed to be like. I just don't love You. And I'm not sure that I will ever really believe that You truly love ME! God, if it's even possible, will You help me?" Now remember, I was fresh out of the spiritual womb in my Christian life. I didn't know anything about the "things" of God. All I knew was that my heart was hurting and if anyone could help me, surely it was Him. And so I told Him everything about my feelings of this whole "Father" thing. What did I have to loose? It couldn't make things any worse in my heart, and perhaps things would be better. Little did I know that my Father was preparing my heart for one of the biggest blessings of my entire life. I can imagine how my loving Father was smiling down on me while I was crying, my heart breaking from all the emotions inside me of feeling so unlovable. I know He held me very close that night, His heart tender towards my tears and my fears and yes, even my doubts. There are inexhaustible truths in the Old Testament. It is rich! And that is how God was going to answer my prayer of wanting to love Him and wanting to start to grasp the idea of Him actually loving me. Don't ask me how it happened. There wasn't any magic verse. It was the whole of the OT. It was starting to see His holiness in the Pentateuch. Oh, you can't read the first 5 books of the bible without being astounded by the holiness of God Almighty! And it was in seeing how serious His holiness is to be taken! One example is in Lev.10:1 where Aaron's two sons offered "strange fire" on God's holy alter and He instantly killed them by sending down fire from heaven. And in verse 3 God said, "By those who come near Me I will be treated as holy, and before all the people I will be honored." Wow! And how about God's power and the fact that He takes seriously those who harm His servants, because when you talk bad about His servants without cause, you talk bad about Him. Numbers chapter 16 tells the story of Korah, when he and others rebelled against Moses. God took this so seriously that He opened up the ground and those wicked men, all of their families with the exception of Korah's sons, and all of their possessions went into the ground, to Sheol, and then the earth closed back up over them. And then fire came down out of heaven and consumed an additional 250 wicked men from the tribe of Levi. WOW!! That gives me chills every time I read it! Or how about the story in Numbers chapter 11 where the Israelites were grumbling against God. They were being fed every day by God who would send down food from heaven that the Israelites called "manna". This was the food that they ate for 40 years while wandering in the desert. They became tired of eating the manna and longed for the food they ate while slaves in Egypt. So they started grumbling to Moses against God, and asking for meat to eat. Oh, bad mistake. They were so ungrateful for all that God had done for them. (we are guilty of the same thing at times) God was angered when He heard their cries for meat. So He said something to the effect of, "So, you want meat? Ok, I'll give you meat. I'll give you so much meat that it is coming out of your nostrils and you get sick of it. You want meat? Fine, you'll have meat." God sent a wind that brought the quail in, and brought in so much that quail covered the ground. And then the bible tells us in verse 33 "While the meat was still between their teeth, before it was chewed, the anger of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD struck the people with a very severe plague." Many people died at the hand of an angry, righteous God that day! There are so many stories like this in the OT. And there are many about God instructing Israel to completely destroy cities, and kill every living thing in them, including women and children. They were put to death for their wickedness against a holy God. The OT is FULL of awesome, awesome truths about an all-powerful God, very God of very God. And what He so lovingly laid on my heart was that this Almighty God was MY Father!! FATHER!! He's the GOD of this universe, and He is MY Father! Oh how my heart started to BURN with love for Him. How could it be? Why me? How me? How could a holy, righteous God choose to place His affections on ME? I never have or never will be worthy of such love! I'm nothing! I'm nobody! I'm unlovable! People only want to talk about God's love and it is true that He is love but He is also wrath. He is mercy AND Justice. Who am I? He could have killed me the very first time I committed a sin on this earth. And yet this fierce, wrathful, holy God looks tenderly on ME and tells me that He loves me so much that not only did He not kill me for my wickedness, but He sent His one and only Son down here to this earth to die for my sins! What manner of love is that? This God of the universe would LAVISH His love on me! (1John 3:1) I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that this God is Abba, Father to me and that He loves me more than I can fathom. And the most wonderful part is that I can't do anything to earn it and I can't do anything to loose it!! It's unconditional and that blesses my heart more than I can put into words. He loves me. He is a HOLY God, and He is my Abba. Wow! Child of God, if you've never read the Old Testament, don't break your Father's heart another day by disregarding His love letters to you. Pick up your bible and start with Genesis chapter 1 and read the entire Old Testament. Don't skip any of it. It is all there for a reason, even if you can't figure out what that reason is. God knows and He wanted us to have it and that's all that matters. There are Christians in other countries who are put to death for their faith. There are those who hide one or two pages of the bible, or small portions of it, and if it is found, they would instantly be killed. Just for being caught with one page from the holy Scriptures! Yet they are willing to risk their life to hang on to those precious words from God. They would rather be put to death for having it than to live without it! That should shame every single child of God who neglects reading their bible. Read it and He will bless you too! If you don't belong to Him and you find yourself thinking that I am special and that God could never love you like He loves me, I want you to know that you are 100% wrong. This same love is available to YOU, just like it is to me. Jehovah God will love you like you've never been loved, and it will never end. If you are not saved, then right now you are an enemy of God. But only confess your sins and ask Him to save you and you will be His beloved child forever! He will lavish His love on you too. I promise!